


Battle of the Houses

by Imagining_in_the_Margins



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Babysitting, Domestic Fluff, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Funny, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Harry Potter - Freeform, Hogwarts Houses, Humor, M/M, Ravenclaw Spencer Reid, Self-Insert, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, gender neutral reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:01:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27518035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Imagining_in_the_Margins/pseuds/Imagining_in_the_Margins
Summary: (Gender Neutral!Reader) Reid accidentally gets trapped in a Hogwarts House War with Reader, Jack, and Henry.
Relationships: Spencer Reid & Reader, Spencer Reid & You, Spencer Reid/Reader, Spencer Reid/You
Comments: 2
Kudos: 46
Collections: [That's A Penis meme] ...or is it?





	Battle of the Houses

You know that saying, “stuck between a rock and a hard place”? My night was turning out something like that. Except instead of a rock and a hard place, I was stuck between a lion and a badger.

I’d lost track of whose turn it actually was in the debate between the boys after about the fifth objection. I was pretty sure it didn’t actually matter either way— I understood the gist of their arguments.

The only problem with my growing apathy and exhaustion was that by the time the door opened and revealed my boyfriend, I couldn’t even be bothered to move. So that’s what he saw when he walked in: Me, dressed in a closet cosplay of a Harry Potter character with Jack and Henry each tugging on one side of my scarf.

“Welcome home,” I managed to drone in the dullest possible register.

Spencer seemed to appreciate the effort it took.

“Hey! What... do we have here?” he called back, pulling his satchel over his head and placing it on the table.

“We have one very heated debate,” I explained with a sluggish motion between the two. They thankfully let go of my scarf now that something had broken the monotony of my less than enthusiastic moderation.

My answer contained the magic word for Spencer, too, who excitedly replied, “I love debates!”

“Good, because this one is about you,” I warned, and Spencer’s flattered pout urged me to continue. “The boys are pitching me their hypotheses about which Hogwarts house you would be in.”

Thankfully he had either remembered the references I’d made to the series before, or was merely showing mercy, but he didn’t ask for any further explanation.

“What are the options?”

I didn’t have time to answer. The boys were back at it before I could even blink.

“There’s only one that makes any sense,” Jack snidely remarked.

“That’s not true!” Henry immediately protested.

“Come on, Henry. You can’t work for the FBI and be a Hufflepuff.”

“My mom is a Hufflepuff and she works the same job!”

Spencer and I locked eyes, and I think he heard the screaming in my head. It wasn’t his fault that he had started them up again. I wasn’t upset with him for it, I just hoped he could settle it quickly.

“Yeah, but your mom is a _girl_ ,” Jack cleverly pointed out, earning a stifled laugh from Spencer.

“My dad is one too!” Henry pouted.

I felt for him. It wasn’t easy being a boy in Hufflepuff. The poor badgers were always considered the weakest or frilliest of the bunch. But one look at his family proved that stereotype untrue.

“You’re a proper badger family,” I reassured him with a soft pat on the head. “Just like the Weasleys, but on the other side.”

Henry took the chance to plead his case. With his arms waving and his glasses falling crooked, he carefully enunciated his words. “Yeah, a-and Hufflepuffs are loyal, kind, and hardworking.”

He paused, taking a moment to look up at a contemplative Spencer before he happily concluded, “Spencer is _all_ of those things.”

Henry was right. He was all of those things, and he was flattered that at least his godson thought as much.

“So... Hufflepuff sounds nice,” Spencer said thoughtfully before turning to the other boy and asking, “What have you got, Jack?”

“I think you’re a Gryffindor!”

Spencer was sensing a pattern.

“Is that what you are?” he asked.

Jack was more than happy to explain. “Yeah, and so is my dad.”

Whereas Henry’s motions were freer and more frenzied, Jack’s were powerful and calculated. He beat one hand on his chest as he proudly stated, “They’re super brave, and they go on lots of adventures, and they basically always win.”

“I see,” Spencer said with a curt, approving nod. Then, he turned to me and asked me the one question I was definitely not going to answer. “What do you think, (y/n)?”

“I’m not sure,” I sighed, having resigned myself to not being on either side at that point. But I couldn’t tell the boys that. Instead, I said, “I can see you in both.”

“How do I find out?”

It was the moment I had been waiting for. The end was nearing, and I was ready to rush towards it. I pulled a chair out from under the table and turned the laptop around to face him.

“I already have it pulled up.”

As Spencer sat down, an eerie calm filled the previously tense room. The two boys stayed quiet and tried to appear aloof, but when I took a step back, I saw the way they each had their fingers crossed behind their backs.

By the time the music began to swell on the speakers, almost everyone was holding their breath. Spencer was the only one who seemed content no matter the result. I was just planning for the downfall if one of the boys won.

“So? What does it say?” Henry squeaked.

Jack bounced on his feet as he pressed his fingers against the table. “Yeah, which one of us won?”

“It says...” Spencer paused. His eyebrows raised and then fell, and his mouth hung open and slightly to the side as he read the word in front of him. “Ravenclaw?”

The house went silent. The two boys sat in a strange defeat, and my brain was torn between relief and a goofy kind of joy. The two boys, and myself to some extent, had gotten so wrapped up in the debate between the two that we’d forgotten two entire houses. But as soon as we heard it, we all knew it was true.

Of _course_ Spencer Reid was a Ravenclaw.

“Oh...” Jack muttered when he finally grew uncomfortable in the silence, “I guess that does make sense.”

“Yeah,” Henry added with a defeated shrug, “I kind of forgot that was an option.”

“Wait, then who won?” Jack asked.

“Neither of us, I guess.” Henry chuckled.

Spencer and I just looked at the two boys and then back to each other. There was a knowing smile on his face, the kind that told me this had been part of his plan all along. He had apparently remembered plenty about Harry Potter.

“Typical Gryffindor and Hufflepuff responses,” I sighed, reaching forward to pat the two boys’ shoulders in consolation. I turned back to Spencer as I smiled. “What do you have to say now, Ravenclaw?”

“I say...” Spencer drew out the words, building the suspense one more time for the kids, “That we watch the movie!”

There was a general roar of applause that filled the room, and before we knew it, we were all rushing towards the living room with popcorn and juice boxes in hand. We just had to start the movie before Hotch and JJ got here— because seriously, who can say no to a Harry Potter rewatch?

Once the music of the theme started to swell, I rested my head against Spencer’s shoulder. He quickly brought his arm around me, pulling me closer and pressing a chaste kiss to my forehead.

“I thought you might need a little bit of a break,” he whispered.

My sleepy reply came with a chuckle and a nod. “Brilliant as always.”


End file.
